Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
--Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)
I am still pissed about my backpack being vandalized.
The whole thing is stupid. My son is well past the line of reason and has no inclination or desire to come back into the folds of reality. I have extended multiple olive branches, as has my wife, and everyone is burnt to ash by his radical anger. All I can do is continue to offer my assistance on a path back, but all of the consequences are making it even harder for him. This bully attitude will be extended because he does not want to face them. I am thinking that we need to continue to increase the stakes. He should not be allowed to attend several of the up-coming functions. I would love to prohibit his attendance to his pseudo-sisters graduation beach party. I would love to stop visits to his bio-mom. All of these are simple “vacations” from his consequences and they should be suspended. Of course if I suspend them, I will be injuring those people he is not allowed to see. They are not mentally healthy enough to understand that this is what he needs. I need to think about it more. My emotions are getting in the way.
On a related note, I locked my son out of the computer. As part of his consequences for getting drunk he will not have computer privileges. It took me several days to get to locking him out, but it is done. When he discovered it he came up to find out why – as if he didn’t know. I told him in no uncertain terms and then he flew off the handle. I must add that I also changed his log-in picture to ‘Captain Morgan’. This admittedly was a nasty little jab, but I was pissed. I should have refrained from the poke at his stupid activities. I was (and still am) quite angry. He wrecked a $150 backpack, tore a huge hunk of drywall out, and has been a royal pain in the butt for weeks. What can I say? When he expressed dislike for the picture, I went to the computer and removed it. Now I got cursed out enough times to make a sailor blush, but I still removed it.
The real issues all comes down to the fact that he needs to get a handle on his behaviors. He can do this! He has the ability to not curse out people. He is filled with anger and hubris and sadness and pain and all other manner of unpleasant emotions, he does not want to deal with them and is acting out to avoid it.
All of these things are not healthy and need to stop as soon as possible.
Funny, but I was not even angry at his drinking last week. I am concerned for his activities, but most of all I am disappointed in him. He failed at a test of life, but not because he tried and had the wrong answer, but because he gave up and would not even try. I am angry now! He is crapping all over the people who love him (misery loves company) and he is running out of control. He would tell you that he is fine and if we would all just leave him alone he would figure it out (and well and he would be enormously successful). As a father, I can’t just throw in the towel. I also can’t turn away from the train wreck. On the other side, I can’t sit by and not react to his outlandish actions and choices. Nor can I deal on them. He has come to these crossroads before and he has (successfully) negotiated a compromise to the terms of his sentence. I am sure he is counting on that, thus he is going to run and continue to be an jerk for a while. Thinking he can lump all the consequences together and beg for reduction.
At this point I can’t do that. Perhaps it’s because I am pissed, or perhaps it’s because I know its not good for him, but in either case he needs to feel the ramifications of his choices and actions. The father part wants to protect him from himself. That part wants to yield on the punishment.
I want to take him to HP:OoP. I also want to take him camping. I want to play Guitar Hero with him. I want to play paintball with him. I am not going to, but I still want to.
Lord help me on this one!!!!
On the psychology front –
My wife was having some anxiety and stress over where out life is headed.
She has to find a job, in a brand new field.
This is very stressful and somewhat premature as far as the grand scheme goes.
I see huge advantages to her getting into the workforce now. She will be getting valuable experience and is again going to be a proven commodity. It is something she can put on her resume and also then garner references for future applications. BUT THIS DOES NOT MAKE DOING ANY EASIER.
Additionally, she is translating all of this “stress of change” into dollar signs. Not that it can’t impact our budget (and it most certainly will), but the doom and gloom scenarios she is fixating on make the situation so much worse (and dramatic, perhaps melodramatic).
Not to say I don’t resist and fear change.
***Its human nature to do so***
I am perpetually curious about those people who thrive on change and embrace upheaval (and are sane). That is for another day.
I am so sympathetic for my wife, but I don’t know what I can do to ease her stress and sooth her anxiety. I tried to put it into perspective for her. I tried just listening and I even bluntly asked her what she needed me to do. I keep repeating that I am with her through all of this, but just being with her is not the magic elixir she needs.
Hence I feel rather useless.
Clinically she needs to go through this. She needs to search herself for the strength to apply and interview for jobs. She needs to grow in her self-assurance. She can only do this through the pain of doing.
If I were her therapist I would be well off to tell her to go out and do and to put her on the clock to do it. She would benefit by doing and not spending countless sleepless night worrying about the problems. No external advice or comfort can take away the stress and worry. Nothing can be said to make it all better.
The panacea she is looking for is DOING!
As a husband
I feel helpless. I want to fix her problems and stand between my lovely wife and anything scary. I would gladly take on all of this to spare her the doing. If it mattered I would stay at this festering hell hole of a job, but of course it doesn’t. We need additional income, and I can’t seem to make it. For all that I am “smart” boy to I fell stupid! ALSO: helpless, inadequate and quite a failure. She was going to stay home and do the lead on foster care. It so happens that that is a wonderful job, for me.
So trying to keep perspective on the issue
She wants to be an RN (and beyond). I don’t want to do this job anymore. I want to work with the kids (even when I get angry). I think I would be good at the psychologist thing. This change is for the best. She will be an excellent nurse, and this is something she wants to do (I question this, but for reasons I am not going to get into today). I trust in God to guide me through my life. He has done a great job so far, and so much better than me.
Oh well – I can keep working long these lines, but I have other things that need my attention, so I will put this on hold until later.
--Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)
I am still pissed about my backpack being vandalized.
The whole thing is stupid. My son is well past the line of reason and has no inclination or desire to come back into the folds of reality. I have extended multiple olive branches, as has my wife, and everyone is burnt to ash by his radical anger. All I can do is continue to offer my assistance on a path back, but all of the consequences are making it even harder for him. This bully attitude will be extended because he does not want to face them. I am thinking that we need to continue to increase the stakes. He should not be allowed to attend several of the up-coming functions. I would love to prohibit his attendance to his pseudo-sisters graduation beach party. I would love to stop visits to his bio-mom. All of these are simple “vacations” from his consequences and they should be suspended. Of course if I suspend them, I will be injuring those people he is not allowed to see. They are not mentally healthy enough to understand that this is what he needs. I need to think about it more. My emotions are getting in the way.
On a related note, I locked my son out of the computer. As part of his consequences for getting drunk he will not have computer privileges. It took me several days to get to locking him out, but it is done. When he discovered it he came up to find out why – as if he didn’t know. I told him in no uncertain terms and then he flew off the handle. I must add that I also changed his log-in picture to ‘Captain Morgan’. This admittedly was a nasty little jab, but I was pissed. I should have refrained from the poke at his stupid activities. I was (and still am) quite angry. He wrecked a $150 backpack, tore a huge hunk of drywall out, and has been a royal pain in the butt for weeks. What can I say? When he expressed dislike for the picture, I went to the computer and removed it. Now I got cursed out enough times to make a sailor blush, but I still removed it.
The real issues all comes down to the fact that he needs to get a handle on his behaviors. He can do this! He has the ability to not curse out people. He is filled with anger and hubris and sadness and pain and all other manner of unpleasant emotions, he does not want to deal with them and is acting out to avoid it.
All of these things are not healthy and need to stop as soon as possible.
Funny, but I was not even angry at his drinking last week. I am concerned for his activities, but most of all I am disappointed in him. He failed at a test of life, but not because he tried and had the wrong answer, but because he gave up and would not even try. I am angry now! He is crapping all over the people who love him (misery loves company) and he is running out of control. He would tell you that he is fine and if we would all just leave him alone he would figure it out (and well and he would be enormously successful). As a father, I can’t just throw in the towel. I also can’t turn away from the train wreck. On the other side, I can’t sit by and not react to his outlandish actions and choices. Nor can I deal on them. He has come to these crossroads before and he has (successfully) negotiated a compromise to the terms of his sentence. I am sure he is counting on that, thus he is going to run and continue to be an jerk for a while. Thinking he can lump all the consequences together and beg for reduction.
At this point I can’t do that. Perhaps it’s because I am pissed, or perhaps it’s because I know its not good for him, but in either case he needs to feel the ramifications of his choices and actions. The father part wants to protect him from himself. That part wants to yield on the punishment.
I want to take him to HP:OoP. I also want to take him camping. I want to play Guitar Hero with him. I want to play paintball with him. I am not going to, but I still want to.
Lord help me on this one!!!!
On the psychology front –
My wife was having some anxiety and stress over where out life is headed.
She has to find a job, in a brand new field.
This is very stressful and somewhat premature as far as the grand scheme goes.
I see huge advantages to her getting into the workforce now. She will be getting valuable experience and is again going to be a proven commodity. It is something she can put on her resume and also then garner references for future applications. BUT THIS DOES NOT MAKE DOING ANY EASIER.
Additionally, she is translating all of this “stress of change” into dollar signs. Not that it can’t impact our budget (and it most certainly will), but the doom and gloom scenarios she is fixating on make the situation so much worse (and dramatic, perhaps melodramatic).
Not to say I don’t resist and fear change.
***Its human nature to do so***
I am perpetually curious about those people who thrive on change and embrace upheaval (and are sane). That is for another day.
I am so sympathetic for my wife, but I don’t know what I can do to ease her stress and sooth her anxiety. I tried to put it into perspective for her. I tried just listening and I even bluntly asked her what she needed me to do. I keep repeating that I am with her through all of this, but just being with her is not the magic elixir she needs.
Hence I feel rather useless.
Clinically she needs to go through this. She needs to search herself for the strength to apply and interview for jobs. She needs to grow in her self-assurance. She can only do this through the pain of doing.
If I were her therapist I would be well off to tell her to go out and do and to put her on the clock to do it. She would benefit by doing and not spending countless sleepless night worrying about the problems. No external advice or comfort can take away the stress and worry. Nothing can be said to make it all better.
The panacea she is looking for is DOING!
As a husband
I feel helpless. I want to fix her problems and stand between my lovely wife and anything scary. I would gladly take on all of this to spare her the doing. If it mattered I would stay at this festering hell hole of a job, but of course it doesn’t. We need additional income, and I can’t seem to make it. For all that I am “smart” boy to I fell stupid! ALSO: helpless, inadequate and quite a failure. She was going to stay home and do the lead on foster care. It so happens that that is a wonderful job, for me.
So trying to keep perspective on the issue
She wants to be an RN (and beyond). I don’t want to do this job anymore. I want to work with the kids (even when I get angry). I think I would be good at the psychologist thing. This change is for the best. She will be an excellent nurse, and this is something she wants to do (I question this, but for reasons I am not going to get into today). I trust in God to guide me through my life. He has done a great job so far, and so much better than me.
Oh well – I can keep working long these lines, but I have other things that need my attention, so I will put this on hold until later.
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